how you know you're a loser

i am a loser. in every way.
i can't keep a job, i can't keep a girlfriend, i can't even eat like a normal person.
fuck, i can't even successfully kill myself i'm such a loser.
i make myself sick.
i really do.
i get yelled at for cutting, which just makes me want to cut more.
it doesn't make sense, none of this does.
i'm going into hibernation for a hundred years.
i'll come back out when it's warm, and everyone i know is dead.

This is just going to be a huge rant.

You know when someone says they love you, you expect certain things from them... such as a touch, a smile, a text; some kind of inclination that the person who has said multiple times that they love you, really does love you.  it's aggravating. it's so aggravating when all you want is for them to hold you and tell you that they do love and cherish you, that you're not just some girl to them, that YOU matter more than the other girls you talk to. Maybe i'm needy, maybe i have some complex where i need to be shown that i'm not disposable. that i matter. maybe i'm wrong, maybe the she's lying to me. maybe she doesn't love me, maybe i'm crazy. what i do know is; i love her, and i hope to god somewhere that she loves me back.

some of the people i know, they shape my perception of the world.

DO NOT WANT!!!

what went wrong - a story of misconceptions.

facebook causes a good amount of unnecessary drama. it does, it should be properly renamed with the word "stalker" tastefully placed somewhere within. it's a place where you post something to 600something other individuals, putting it out into a vulnerable place to be over scrutinized and analyzed to death. somehow, everything you put will piss off someone, just matters who it pisses off i guess....
i no longer have one, to put there bluntly.

some well deserved alone time.

sometimes i forget i've grown up. sometimes i look up and expect to see my childhood room. the cool wind flowing from my two windows with mismatched curtains...if i was there, it would be sunny, and simple. it would be silent. silence all around. leaving me to my thoughts, being whisked away in dreams of leaving that room with blue carpet, with the burn mark from a summer's dabbling in witchcraft. the smell of it all. the looming bunk bed that i insisted my grandma buy me when my old bed became too small for my lanky limbs. it was all so serene. it was my safe place. it was familiar and warm. this place, where i'm at, it's nice. its comfortable, but just not the same... i have to be an adult. overwhelmed with the demands of society. for just a moment i would like to be transported back to that safe place. just for a second free from worry. free from bills and responsibilities...
i digress
i am not a child any longer.

starving

the song through glass is stuck in my head.
i find it symbolic.
it's melodic nature and begging lyrics are what i am right now.
being alone. even for a little while is terrifying to me.
i'm in an empty room, my stomach growling, praying that i don't succumb to its cries.
my head is pounding, and there's a 24pack in my refrigerator, should i drink alone?
because if i do, i might slip into the abyss and never return.
will i do it?
i've been pondering whether or not my life is worth the taking.
i'm pitifully broken.
with my scattered thoughts plastered on a page for you to read.

bluegray

The land is wet from years of rain - 

The sky is a dismal shade of bluegray, which matches perfectly the color of my mind.

This bluegray is haunting. It consumes all. It leaks into you, drains the life out of you. 

Its a depressing sort of color.

The shade in which you recount all the trying times in your life. Where you want to go back to, and let the sickness further drain your already sapped mind.

It's a melancholy little day.

A day where no one is alive, not even I.